What Could Have Been
by erica1531
Summary: TM Pre season three. Michelle and Tony's lives are interrupted, and afterward, they are left to wonder what could have been.


**A/N: **_This was my very first fanfic, and has been slightly altered from it's original version on a Tony/Michelle board. I appreciate feedback. Takes place about a year before Season Three and was written because I could never shake the feeling that it might have actually happened. Oneshot. Reviews appreciated._

* * *

A wave of nausea swept over Michelle and she struggled to slip out of bed without waking Tony. Creeping into the bathroom, she noted the time. Four-thirty: two more hours before they had to be up. Ten minutes later, feeling thoroughly miserable, Michelle rinsed her mouth and brushed her teeth and crawled back into bed.

Tony woke to the harsh beeping of the alarm clock. As he reached over to turn it off, he was surprised to see Michelle still fast asleep. Usually, she was awake before the alarm, and turned it off, so that he woke to her lips on his instead of the loud, insistent sound of a clock.

"Sweetheart?" Tony moved his arm across Michelle. "Sweetheart, wake up. We have to leave in an hour." Michelle stirred, and turned her face toward him.

"Tony, I don't feel good. I don't think I can go in today; I'm sorry." Tony was concerned. Michelle was never sick, and it wasn't like her to admit it if she was. He pressed his hand to her cheek.

"Michelle? Are you okay? I can stay home with you."

"No, don't. I'm fine. I just need to get some rest today, okay? Besides, if I'm not going in, you have to be there. CTU won't run itself." Michelle paused, mainly because she knew that CTU could very well run itself without them, when it wasn't in crisis mode. It just made her wince to think of Chloe having full command over half the work force. "And anyway, even if you could stay, you shouldn't. I'll feel better in a few hours, I promise."

"All right sweetheart, but I'm going to worry about you all day."

"Please don't, Tony. I'll be fine."

* * *

Michelle had listened to the sounds of Tony getting ready through a half-waking trance, but by the time he came up to kiss her goodbye and check on her before he left, she was fully immersed in sleep. He placed a kiss on her cheek, and scrawled a note by the bedside: 

"Feel better, sweetheart. Please call me if you need anything. I love you so much. Tony."

Then he left the room quietly so he wouldn't wake her.

* * *

Michelle woke at eight, got herself a glass of water, and then went back to bed, feeling miserable. She felt sick all over, and she half wished Tony was there. But by midday, she was much better, just like she knew she would be, and had been yesterday and the day before. 

Since Monday, she'd been dragging herself to work and hiding her nausea until it went away late in the morning, but she had felt so awful this morning that she just couldn't do it. And anyway, she wanted to find out today, because she knew that she sure as hell didn't have the stomach flu. Her period was two weeks late and her breasts felt swollen and tender. And anyway, she felt different. She knew.

Michelle showered and dressed, and looked half-heartedly for something to eat. She grabbed a piece of whole wheat bread, and ate it without bothering to toast it or spread butter on it.As she ate, Michelle scanned the headlines of the paper and read an article on oil mines. She liked the human interest stories and entertainment sections better, but hers wasn't exactly the kind of job in which talking about the latest scandal on _American Idol_ preempted issues with the Middle East.

Finishing, Michelle grabbed her purse and got in her car. She was going to find out.

A half an hour later, she was back at home and in the bathroom, nervously watching the test. And sure enough, it was positive. Michelle screamed into a hand towel then started biting her nails, which she hadn't done since- well, ever. Pregnant. She was going to have a baby. She was going to be a mother.

_Can we do this?_, she wondered. When she and Tony got married, they had both talked vaguely about someday having kids, but they both knew that this wasn't the ideal time, and certainly hadn't planned on getting pregnant.

They both did work in field ops, and she didn't know how they could give a baby the time and stability it needed. She damn well wasn't quitting her job and neither was Tony. But they would figure it out; she knew they could. They would keep their jobs and have this baby, too. A mother could do anything. _Mother._ She caressed the word reverently in her mind.

* * *

Michelle was waiting for Tony on the other side of the door when he got home, and before he could ask her how she was feeling, she silenced him with a kiss and dragged him inside. 

"Michelle?" Tony was out of breath from kissing, and more than a little incredulous. "You seem better."

"I am! I feel much better. I told you I would. I wouldn't break a promise, you know."

"I know, sweetheart."

"Can you make something good for dinner, Tony? I'm starving; I didn't trust myself to make any real food today."

"Sweetheart, I don't trust you to make real food now or ever."

"Shut up, Tony. Whatever happened to, 'I'm happy to see you?'"

* * *

Michelle hadn't told him yet. As he made dinner, he told her about what had happened at CTU that day, and they made trivial small talk during dinner. He sensed that she was holding something back, but he was so relieved that she was so clearly better after she'd been so ill that morning that he hadn't pressed the issue. 

But now they'd washed the dishes, together like always, and as she curled up next to him on the couch, she said, "I have something I need to tell you, Tony."

"Okay." A long pause followed. Michelle didn't meet his eyes.

"You gonna tell me?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant? You mean...you mean we're going to have a baby?"

"Yes." Michelle bit her lip in anticipation. "Going to have a baby- that's usually what pregnant means, Tony."

"Oh my god... can we do this, Michelle? How the hell are we supposed to…. Oh my god, Michelle, we're going to be parents." Tony's expression changed from shocked to worried to excited all in that instant as he struggled to comprehend what Michelle had just told him. A _baby._

"Are… are you okay, with this, Tony?" Michelle didn't meet his eyes, looking everywhere except his face. She didn't even know if she was okay with this yet. But a baby… Michelle had always wanted a baby, she just hadn't thought she could. Not with this job. So now it was going to happen-- but that didn't automatically mean it was going to work.

"Am I okay with this? God Michelle… I'm more than okay with this. I've always wanted children, Michelle, you know that. You've always wanted children." Tony took his wife's hands in his own, trying to soothe the apprehension painfully evident in her face and manner.

"I know we've _wanted_ it, Tony. But are we… are we going to be able to do this? How are we going to be able to do this?"

"We will, Michelle. You know what, sweetie? This just gives us the excuse we always wanted. Planning is over; it's going to happen; and it's not our fault. We're going to have a baby, Michelle!"

" A baby!" Her eyes glowed.

* * *

That weekend, Michelle went to her doctor and confirmed it. It was true. They were going to have a baby. Michelle still wasn't feeling well, and mornings remained hard for her. Tony let her come in later on the worst days, but she mostly just dealt with it. 

They argued about baby names. They argued about finding out the sex of the baby. Michelle wanted to know, but Tony didn't and he finally convinced her to wait. They argued about how to handle childcare. They argued about how much time Michelle could take off after the birth- she wanted to take time with the baby, but she didn't feel like she could leave work for very long. They argued about quitting field ops work. They argued about whether it would be possibleto try to regulate their hours, even a little.

But underneath the harmless bickering, they still got along as well as they always had. Quibbling had always been a part of their relationship, almost a _necessary_ part, because it relieved the tension that always built up at work. And because neither one of them was ever serious about their disagreements; and they knew it. Ultimately, they wanted the same thing and usually had the same idea of how to get it.

They loved each other, adn they were startingto fall in love with their baby. Michelle was finally, finally starting to feel better. Two months had passed.

* * *

It was not a good morning. They had a credible threat, and everyone was tense and intent on searching through a potential lead in money trails. Chloe was thoroughly stressed and irritable, but she couldn't help noticing that Michelle looked like she had cramps, bad ones; by the way she held her hand low over her tummy and by her awkward posture. In fact, Michelle had seemed strange lately, Chloe thought to herself. But this was not the day to be worrying about it. 

Chloe watched Michelle leave abruptly for the bathroom, and when she wasn't back fifteen minutes later she'd started to get concerned. Chloe did get concerned about people. She did. But damnit, every time she tried to say something it came out so wrong and everyone looked at her in that way… Chloe sighed and got up to go find Michelle.

Entering the bathrrom, Chloe was stunned. "Oh, Jesus Christ, Michelle," she breahted.Chloe could hear Michelle's ragged, pained sobbing, and she could see her, through the gap under the stall door, where she had sunk to the floor. There was blood. A lot of blood.

"Michelle? Are you okay? Do you need a tampon or something?"

No answer. The sobbing grew more desperate.

"Michelle? Michelle, please open the door. You're not okay. Michelle." Chloe was getting seriously worried. Something was very, very wrong. Michelle never cried, not even when Tony was unaccounted for in the field. But here she was, crying.

"Get Tony. Please," Michelle whimpered.

"Look, Michelle. Tony may be a great guy, and he may love you, but no guy on the face of the planet wants to deal with- this stuff. If you have really bad cramps or whatever you can go home. I'll cover for you." Chloe's voice,completely uncharacteristically,softened. "Michelle."

"That's not _it, _Chloe!...I'm pregnant! I'm _supposed_ to be pregnant. Now will you please. Get. My husband." Michelle felt worse. Speaking drained her energy. Chloe drained her energy.

"Oh god, uh, okay. I'm sorry, Michelle. Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"Get Tony! Chloe went quickly, and grabbed Tony just as he was coming down the stairs.

"Tony, I need you to come with me now."

"This is not the time, Chloe." Tony started to brush past her.

"Tony, it's about Michelle. You need to come now." Tony turned around and looked at her.

"Chloe, please help her if she needs help. But right now, I need to work on following this lead."

"Tony, I think something's going with the baby. She's bleeding... a lot."

* * *

Tony was horrified as he ran into the bathroom. Michelle had not moved since Chloe had left her. "Michelle, baby, I'm here. Please open the door." 

Mustering the last ounce of strenght she had, Michelle complied. Tony picked her upin his arms, blood dripping. "Chloe, call the clinic and tell them we're coming down."

Four hours later, Tony was carrying Michelle, still softly crying, out to their car. CTU medical had released Michelle, warning Tony that she was still weak and for her to be careful. The baby was gone.

Chloe had spoken briefly to Jack, who had gone down to the clinic and talked to Tony. Jack assured them that CTU could handle the situation without them, and sure enough, the threat had been dealt with. People wanted to know where Tony and Michelle were; Jack told them simply that it was an immediate medical emergency that involved both of them. Yes, they were going to be fine. No, it had nothing to do with CTU or anyone there.

They weren't fine. A very sad and enormously concerned Tony was bringing Michelle inside. She hadn't stopped crying for hours. He didn't know how to handle this. He had never seen Michelle cry like this, ever. She wasn't a crier.

He brought her upstairs, laid her in bed. Tony stripped off the CTU clothes they had put on her in the clinic, after taking off the bloody ones, and he pulled flannel pajama pants and a soft t-shirt onto her.

"Tony?" Her voice was a whimper.

"Baby, sshh, it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. We'll get through this."

"No, we're not Tony. Nothing is every going to be okay." Michelle turned her face into the pillow, staining it with tears.

* * *

For two whole days, Michelle wouldn't get out of bed. Tony climbed in beside her and held her while she cried. He got up to eat, and to bring Michelle the food that she wouldn't touch. He called Jack; told him they would be out for the rest of the week, and Michelle might not be back for longer. He got the paper. He fed the dog. But Michelle only stayed in bed and cried. 

Michelle hadn't known there was pain like this in the world. She didn't exactly have a low-stress job, but the threat of terrorists blowing up the world was nothing compared to the absolute horror of losing her baby. She never wanted to face anything ever again, and when she couldn't escape by sleeping, all Michelle could do was cry.

Tony was sad; he felt the loss- this was their baby that had died- but he knew he wasn't feeling it like Michelle was. She was taking it so hard. He knew her body hurt; that the changes in her body were a constant reminder of the child she had lost, but the anguish in her eyes was something so much more.

For two days, Michelle stayed in bed and cried, and for two days Tony tried desperately to get her to eat, to take a shower, to do anything. She wouldn't.

But finally, on that third morning, Michelle got out of bed and took a shower, and dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. She left her hair straggling and wet, but it was a start.

She asked Tony for a piece of toast. He was ecstatic.

"Tony? The baby… where did it go?"

"Sweetheart?"

"Will it miss me, Tony? Does it know how much I love it?"

"Oh, Michelle. The baby knows you love it. There is no way it couldn't know that much love." Michelle was quiet for a long time. Then, finally, she spoke.

"Tony, it hurts. It hurts so much."

"I know, baby."

They never had another child.


End file.
